Dearest Mama……………………It’s been 6 years since the day you left us and joined the angels in heaven.

You were always a shining example of how a mother should be.Your humble nature and loving ways had something magnetic. They just attracted everyone to you. You were beautiful outside but even more beautiful inside. You were the epitomy of simplicity and I know no one else who wears it as well as you do.Always a rock for us kids, who relied on your strength.

Your unspoken motto was always family first; you were loyal to those you love without being unreasonable.  Thank you for the times you’ve seen right through my “I’m right” attitude and for respectfully pointing out the error of my ways.

You were never boastful, always quite content to let others shine.  Always a listener and not a talker.  Its part of what draws people to you–you’re a wellspring of other people’s secrets but they go no further.  Trustworthiness and integrity are my biggest aspirations because, by example, you’ve taught me they’re the best qualities a person can possess.

You weren’t really a private person. You took great joy in sharing your stories with everyone you met. You didn’t have any shame in accepting your mistakes and shortfalls in front of anyone. The lucky were the ones who were able to see all sides of you, your professional perfection and even your infectious childlike playfulness.

I’ve seen your fiery side, too.  Yes, I know my brothers sparked your flames more than I did but I had my moments with you, too.  I will never forget how much you loathed when I, as a teenager, would roll my eyes (unintentional, really!) as I got reprimanded by you. But as children a simple look from you would stop our nonsense. Was it fear you incited? No, it was respect.  And you sure had a lot of that.

 Your grace and patience were a study in perfection.  How did you always manage to maintain a positive attitude and do the right thing when most of us struggled between right and wrong?

You were not only my mother but also my best friend.  I drink from your fountain of wisdom when I can find none from within.  You always gave me sage advice, though it took years for me to realize this.  Even now, whenever I admit to yielding to my own poor judgment, your past words of encouragement come back like music to my ears.  Thank you for never saying “I told you so”.

Even though it’s been 6 years since the day you left me alone. You’ll always be my friend, cheerleader, counsellor, therapist all rolled into one and each day I still learn from you. My debt to you will always be undisputed and my love for you always unconditional and limitless.

 And if people were to ever say, “You’ve turned into your mother” it would be all right by me.  

I would consider my life fulfilled the day I become even 1% of the person you were.

Thank you Mom, for being the best mother in this world. Thank you for being you.

I miss you every single day and the tears will never stop rolling away………….

]]> http://anuradhasmusings.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/dearest-mama/feed/ 1 anuradha img053 http://anuradhasmusings.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/stop/ http://anuradhasmusings.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/stop/#comments Thu, 19 Jan 2012 04:02:33 +0000 anuradha7326 http://anuradhasmusings.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/stop/ ]]> Read this beautiful piece on a website.Just wanted to share it with you all.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Destiny is what we are here on earth to achieve. It is the inner  thought that guides us; our aspirations; our need to “go” somewhere and make our mark on the world.If we all seriously went about fulfilling our Destiny there would be no need for Fate.The problem we are faced with, of course, is what exactly is our Destiny, and how do we go about fulfilling it? And that is where Fate has a significant part to play, for most of us have little memory of what we have committed to do, and are so caught up in the material world that we lose sight of our own unique qualities and potential.

Fate on the other hand is like our loyal friend.It calls us to attention, and just knocks us back onto the path when we stray from our true purpose. It is a friendly nudge in the right direction.Many people including myself believe that Fate is unkind. In fact it is very generous and always caters to the needs of our souls.many a times,our fate hurts us.But it is through these hardships that we learn to fight against our impossible situations and rediscover our strong inner selves.

There are many a people in this world(including ME) who are wandering aimlessly in this world.They are searching for a direction to follow and very often they look into others lives and wish that it was their own life.We all always question our destiny but we rarely listen for the answers.We can only get the answers by listening to ourselves well,by discovering our potentials,believing in our capabilities and most importantly listening to our own inner voice.

The responsibility for finding our Destiny is ours alone. It can never be given to us by anyone else for it doesn’t belong to them, it only belongs to us.Destiny is something we choose to go after…. Fate is something that happens to us, and seemingly takes away our choices, but in fact actually leads us back towards the choice of Destiny we already made before we were born.

As I sit and write this…..few things seem clear to me.But yes there are many others that don’t seem clear at all.But I am not giving up.I am learning everyday.I am learning to find my destiny.I know that its out there somewhere.And someday I will find it for sure.and that will be the day I will achieve my true Karma.

It’s been 3 years to that day today…..3 very long and hard years. I can say that these years have been the hardest years of my whole life. I am trying to make a new history in this place and that is helping me to feel a part of the whole. I yearn and cry for my loved ones every single moment of every single day. I cry for their touch…..I have a lot but there is a lot that is missing. I have missed so much….my niece growing up, not being with my father and brother in their tough times, not being able to witness the birth of my niece…….the moments are too many to count. I admit that I am in a much better place than I was during my first few months here. I have gained a lot. I have learnt that no one ever gets the life that they desire; I have learnt to give a 100% of myself at all times and not expect anything in return, I have learnt that the biggest strength that anyone can have is the dignity in whatever they do, I have gained friends…..but just a few…..few that I can count on my fingers…I am eternally grateful for them, I have lost some people who I thought were my friends. The emotions associated with being so far away from home are mixed. There are times when I just want to leave everything and run away. Run away to a safe place….a place where I can be happy with my loved ones. Does this kind of safe place really exist?

I sit here alone in my room with tears running down my cheeks……I am just trying to pour my heart out. I am not trying to wallow in self pity. I am just sharing my feelings with the ones who care…….Do you?

It seems such a short time ago that you were a baby sitting on my lap. You’re nearly all grown up now, and I want you to know that I love you and admire the strong and beautiful young woman you’ve become. You are getting older, so fast I can hardly believe it. I am so happy that you still find wonder in the world that you are not scared to be yourself that you march to your very own beat…

You make me smile with your laughter….the way your sweet nose crinkles up, while your twinkling eyes practically squeeze shut, and your laughs come out in precious tiny gasps. You make my head spin with all the wonderful things that you know…the questions you think to ask…the answers you seek…I am knocked out a thousand times over listening to you spell all the difficult words and solve all your math sums in a jiffy.

When you start a new class in school soon, a whole new world will open up to you…there will be things you already know, but also much, much more that you don’t. Won’t it be fun to make new friends, learn something new each and every day, and discover a brand new place? I will be excited to hear about all of the fabulous fun things you do each day!

Being a 7 year old is hard, and I think it’s especially hard on sensitive souls like you. Because you’re so intelligent, people might expect you to always act more maturely than other kids your age. You’re also allowed a lot of freedom. You should be careful not to abuse that trust. Unfortunately, even the smartest of us can make stupid mistakes when we are young. Please use your head and don’t get carried away by what the in crowd is doing, and remember that if your friends are doing something that they’re not really old enough to do, you are even younger. Here are a few rules that can help you negotiate these difficult transition years, when you are a child but want to be an adult.
1. Make lots of friends and always love everyone for what they are.

2. Always listen to your elders. They always know what the best is for you.

3. Be the best daughter for your parents. They both love you a lot, in their own special ways.

4.  Sometimes schoolwork seems meaningless, but you have to stay focused on the big picture.

5. Do the home work, even if it is boring.

6. Also know that too much T.V is not good for you. You must try to read a new book every day.

7. Always keep your home clean and remember to tidy up after you are done playing.

8. Have a big heart and never forget to share with everyone. Be kind to everyone.

9. Eat well; don’t cry while eating your medicines and vitamins. Take good care of your body and become strong.

10. If you ever get sad, call me or someone else you feel comfortable talking to. The pain of sadness doesn’t last forever, and there are many people in your life who love you and want to support you.

11. Always think about what you want to do and then we’ll figure out how to get you there. It isn’t always easy to plan ahead, but you have people willing to help or just to listen.

I hope you realize, dear one, how very much you are loved…from the first moment I ever held you in my arms, my heart was swollen with love…and now these days, I am near bursting !!!

I love you, sweet girl…..more than anything else.

Love always,
Your Bui.

It’s hard to watch someone die, even more so when it is someone you love. She was there one minute and the very next minute, in the blink of an eye….she was gone. Just like that….just gone. Vanished from all our lives forever.

She was a very loving, caring, compassionate, tough lady and knew the importance of family. Seeing her dying, I knew that not only would she soon be gone from my life, but with her all those things that made her who she was. I was there with her during her last minutes as were my father and her loving sisters, brother in laws, nieces and nephews. I feel sad that she could not see my brothers, her wonderful sons while taking her last breaths. The memory of the last smile that was on her face even as she breathed her last is etched in my deep consciousness.

It’s been difficult for me to let go. Her death plunged me deeper into my own despair, my own issues I was dealing with at the time. Mom’s death also left the family fragmented, which made me see just how she had been the glue that held our lives together.

It has been five long years of trying to move on, of learning to no longer rely on mom, but instead on what she tried to teach us growing up. We both shared a very strange bitter sweet relationship but it’s still strange that Mom is no longer there to talk to about my problems. I have to look inside now and ask myself what she would want, what she would say —what she would expect. In death, knowing she is above looking down, she may have had a stronger influence on me than she did in life. It took that and the support of loved ones to pull me out of the quicksand I got myself into after mom died, but I have persevered.

And while not all of what became broken after mom died is fixable, life has gone on and some days it seems a little easier. For many of us, parents are sometimes the only constant in our lives and when they are gone it’s like being in free-fall — sometimes we land OK, other times the parachute doesn’t open.

When mom is no longer there to be the glue, you have to make that glue from what you should have learned while she was alive. Sometimes it doesn’t stick real well, but it gets the job done.

I miss you mom. Thank you for having always been my glue. I’m sorry for the mistakes I’ve made and I hope someday I will see you again. I love you. Bye.

Always considered the black sheep of her family…..the tomboy among all the boys….she had no comparison to her other beautiful cousins. Rashi, her cousin married to the rich Mumbai businessman…..was the lovely black haired beauty. Tara, her younger aunt’s daughter…..just twenty and was racing ahead into a successful modelling career. And what to talk about Vandana…..the jackpot queen with a happily married life and three lovely children to boast about. And here I am wondered Anahita….32 years old….unmarried….not overly attractive….A plain Jane as her friends would call her……just struggling to find a place for myself in this foreign land. A shiver ran down her spine and she just tugged her coat closer. She pulled out her lip gloss and rubbed it furiously over her thin lips in an attempt to make them look fuller. I can just try…she thought to herself. Just try to make myself look attractive to others…try to make myself more appealing.

Lost in her thoughts, Anahita was jolted from her seat when the subway came to a halt….It was the Davisville stop. That’s where Swapnali told me to get off, she thought to herself. She got off the train nervously clutching her bag…….walking briskly out of the station. She walked hurriedly towards the Starbucks at the corner, looking at her watch and cursing herself for being 10 minutes late. She entered the coffee shop, which she loved for all its warm and familiar smells and looked around nervously. And then she saw him….sitting alone at the table by the window….he seemed to be working on a crossword puzzle. So this is the Mr. Wonderful who Swapnali was raving about, she wondered. She walked towards him nervous and excited at the same time. He looked at her and got up and walked towards her. Their eyes met. He came up to her and said,”Hi, I am Ravi. Nice to meet you, Anahita. Your friend Swapnali never mentioned about how stunningly beautiful you were!!!!!!”

How far can I run? Where do I turn? I died with you, I don’t know who I am any more.

Guide me maa or just take me. :’(

The Book of Negroes by Lawrence Hill is a wonderful novel that should not only be read by all Canadians but all people. The novel is full of history and it has the ability to entertain as well which is a great feat the author accomplished. Great novel and if you get the chance to read The Book of Negroes go for it.

The size of the book did discourage me for once…….and I had second thoughts about reading it.The long wait list at the library was also a demotivating factor.Then my sister in law Dejana who lives in Toronto lent it to me and told me to take my own sweet time reading it.Once I started reading the novel I couldn’t help but like it. There are times that I really enjoy this genre but other times I just find it to be too cumbersome and emotionally painful. This novel was a great read and I found myself constantly looking forward to what would happen to Aminata next.

The one downside of this particular novel was actually how good Aminata had it while a slave in America. It seemed like, for the most part, her owners were quite good to her. She was taught to read and became rather influential with her second owner. This part made me rather sceptical about the novel but this is a rather minor complaint given the first owner did demean her. I was surprised how well read she became over the course of her years in America. It seemed to me that her time in Nova Scotia was worse than her time in America which I found rather shocking. I had no idea this is what life was like for an African at that time in Canada and even more surprised they helped setup the first colony of free slaves in Africa.

If for nothing else this novel is full of history, with many new insights of the time. I didn’t know where the title came from and had no idea such a document existed. And the idea (I don’t know how factual this part is) that such a document would have been recorded by an African even more shocking.

The Book Of Negroes is definitely a must read…..you will find trouble in putting it down just as I did…..Go for it….a good way to spend the long winter evenings.