5 years have gone by……..5 years since the day she decided to leave all of us. In all these years, there has never been a day when I’ve found myself not thinking about her. Naturally I’ve missed her, but more than simply missing my mama I’ve missed the person who really helped me hold it together when times were tough and who, ultimately, held my entire family together.
It’s hard to watch someone die, even more so when it is someone you love. She was there one minute and the very next minute, in the blink of an eye….she was gone. Just like that….just gone. Vanished from all our lives forever.
She was a very loving, caring, compassionate, tough lady and knew the importance of family. Seeing her dying, I knew that not only would she soon be gone from my life, but with her all those things that made her who she was. I was there with her during her last minutes as were my father and her loving sisters, brother in laws, nieces and nephews. I feel sad that she could not see my brothers, her wonderful sons while taking her last breaths. The memory of the last smile that was on her face even as she breathed her last is etched in my deep consciousness.
It’s been difficult for me to let go. Her death plunged me deeper into my own despair, my own issues I was dealing with at the time. Mom’s death also left the family fragmented, which made me see just how she had been the glue that held our lives together.
It has been five long years of trying to move on, of learning to no longer rely on mom, but instead on what she tried to teach us growing up. We both shared a very strange bitter sweet relationship but it’s still strange that Mom is no longer there to talk to about my problems. I have to look inside now and ask myself what she would want, what she would say —what she would expect. In death, knowing she is above looking down, she may have had a stronger influence on me than she did in life. It took that and the support of loved ones to pull me out of the quicksand I got myself into after mom died, but I have persevered.
And while not all of what became broken after mom died is fixable, life has gone on and some days it seems a little easier. For many of us, parents are sometimes the only constant in our lives and when they are gone it’s like being in free-fall — sometimes we land OK, other times the parachute doesn’t open.
When mom is no longer there to be the glue, you have to make that glue from what you should have learned while she was alive. Sometimes it doesn’t stick real well, but it gets the job done.
I miss you mom. Thank you for having always been my glue. I’m sorry for the mistakes I’ve made and I hope someday I will see you again. I love you. Bye.
Jan 30, 2011 @ 16:13:21
Tina has so many of Mom’s habits, its almost scary at times. Like Mom she isn’t the best cook in the world, but she doesn’t shy away from cooking even at unearthly hours; just like Mom she loves her power naps after returning from office; like Mom she too tries to stay awake while watching TV, but just like Mom she is seldom successful; just like Mom she too doesn’t use too much makeup, but yet stands out in a crowd; just like Mom, her tears are always ready to flow.
However there is one thing in which she is the complete opposite of Mom. Unlike Mom, she was an average student. While Mom used to cry for coming second (and missing the first position) in her class, Tina partied in celebration of having scored passing marks
Jan 31, 2011 @ 12:34:13
I was close to tears when I read this post Anuradha. I had no clue you lost your Mom five years ago. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you and your family to move on……. I guess the only way to get through life without her is to know that she is watching you from above.
Feb 01, 2011 @ 08:23:24
could literally view aunty’s face while reading this.i remember her power naps that Manu mentioned n the delicious bread upma’s she made.she was indeed a strong woman.i can imagine how tough it must have been for u but one thing’s for sure that she’s watching u from above showering her blessings on u and proud to have u as her daughter.