Being far away from my own land and in a land of goras……I am often seen as an object of interest.These are some of the questions and possible answers that I could give when I am bombarded with questions about India.
Q. What does that red dot on women’s forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife’s red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target….
Q. You’re from India, aren’t you? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started elephant-pooling with our neighbours, to save the air. You see elephants have an “emissions” problem…..
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an “English-language” gene and infused their servants’ babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.
A variation to the above is a compliment —
“You speak very good English.” Response: Thanks. So do you.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.
Q. India is very hot, isn’t it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A.No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians – it is a lot of hard work.
Q. Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don’t have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.
Q: How do the plants grow, water is so scarce there?
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street?
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa- can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand kms, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in India?
A: No,we just print off fresh money at home every day.
Q: Which direction is North in India?
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into India?
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can I wear high heels in India?
A: You’re a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore, and is milk available all year
round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in India who can dispense
rattlesnake serum.
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where many of you come from. All
Indian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good
pets.
Q: Do you have perfume in India?
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in India?
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in India?
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
Q: Can I see Taj Mahal anytime?
A: As long as you are not blind, you can see it anytime.
Q: Do you have Toilet paper?
A: No, we use sand paper. (We have different grades) or even fresh green leaves at times.
haahaaa!
Hilarious! In a beauty parlour here in Dubai I was once asked if was Indian and I said I was. The lady, who was Phillipino, answered ‘You don’t look Indian. You’re so white!’
I was so surprised by her comment. Some people are obviously ignorant of the scale of our country, it’s various states, history, culture and rate of growth.
Interesting,
Anuradha kuch aur likho yaar.
lol… very nice post…
hey anuradha a nice take on ignorant americans.. happen 2 b a fellow ‘indiblogger’ frm chndigrh. tc nd keep blogging:)
he he… damn hilarious… i used to write such things earlier… am inspired to continue now