Stairway to heaven

Just read this beautiful poem on the internet…….was not able to find the poet.Am posting it here on my blog with all due respects to the poet.

I am posting the poem here in loving memory of my parents.

If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane
I’d walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again
No Farewell words were spoken
No time to say good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

My heart’s still active in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store.

Since you’ll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you’ll always stay.

God knows why, with chilling touch,
Death gathers those we love so much,
And what now seems so strange and dim,
Will all be clear, when we meet Him.
I Knew you for a Moment.

A series of unfortunate events

18^th July 2008 was the day that I saw you last. You stood at the Airport bravely fighting away the tears from your own eyes and consoling me as I was starting a new journey in my life. The beautiful comforting words, the warm hug, the gentle smile…..that’s what I always want to remember of you.

As the days, months and the years passed, I could not come to see you….I missed you every single minute of every single day. I would wait for the time when we could talk every day. I would stay up late and wake up early in order to find out about your well being. It was as if Google Talk, Skype and the $2.50 calling card became an important part and parcel of my life. I would wait and wait till the green light would not come in front of your name and tell me that you were online. I would get upset if some day you would not come online and then I would call you. My call would always upset you and you would scold me for wasting my money. And it’s not that our daily conversations were of any importance. The topics would range from the weather, our meals, the maids, his friends, my friends etc etc. My brother would find these conversations very mundane and would refuse to become a part of it. A major part of the conversation would also consist of me chiding and scolding him for smoking, not eating properly, showering too late in the day, his torn vests (yes, he loved those) He would always look forward to getting photos from me and then he would ask for a detailed description of each photograph.

It was during one of these conversations on the 31^st of March 2012 that the series of unfortunate events happened…….the events that took him away from me. He was in the hospital for 12 long suffering days. The last I spoke to him was on the 10^th of April, when in his very feeble voice he told me not to worry and that he was perfectly fine. Little did I know that it was going to be my last time talking to him. Going back to India on his passing was the worst nightmare come true for me. Nothing seemed the same anymore. The emptiness around made a void that can never be filled.

I sit here today with a very heavy and broken heart trying to pour out my feelings……..I miss you Papa…..I love you a lot…….I just wish I could talk to you just one more time.

 

Dearest Mama

Dearest Mama……………………It’s been 6 years since the day you left us and joined the angels in heaven.

You were always a shining example of how a mother should be.Your humble nature and loving ways had something magnetic. They just attracted everyone to you. You were beautiful outside but even more beautiful inside. You were the epitomy of simplicity and I know no one else who wears it as well as you do.Always a rock for us kids, who relied on your strength.

Your unspoken motto was always family first; you were loyal to those you love without being unreasonable.  Thank you for the times you’ve seen right through my “I’m right” attitude and for respectfully pointing out the error of my ways.

You were never boastful, always quite content to let others shine.  Always a listener and not a talker.  Its part of what draws people to you–you’re a wellspring of other people’s secrets but they go no further.  Trustworthiness and integrity are my biggest aspirations because, by example, you’ve taught me they’re the best qualities a person can possess.

You weren’t really a private person. You took great joy in sharing your stories with everyone you met. You didn’t have any shame in accepting your mistakes and shortfalls in front of anyone. The lucky were the ones who were able to see all sides of you, your professional perfection and even your infectious childlike playfulness.

I’ve seen your fiery side, too.  Yes, I know my brothers sparked your flames more than I did but I had my moments with you, too.  I will never forget how much you loathed when I, as a teenager, would roll my eyes (unintentional, really!) as I got reprimanded by you. But as children a simple look from you would stop our nonsense. Was it fear you incited? No, it was respect.  And you sure had a lot of that.

 Your grace and patience were a study in perfection.  How did you always manage to maintain a positive attitude and do the right thing when most of us struggled between right and wrong?

You were not only my mother but also my best friend.  I drink from your fountain of wisdom when I can find none from within.  You always gave me sage advice, though it took years for me to realize this.  Even now, whenever I admit to yielding to my own poor judgment, your past words of encouragement come back like music to my ears.  Thank you for never saying “I told you so”.

Even though it’s been 6 years since the day you left me alone. You’ll always be my friend, cheerleader, counsellor, therapist all rolled into one and each day I still learn from you. My debt to you will always be undisputed and my love for you always unconditional and limitless.

 And if people were to ever say, “You’ve turned into your mother” it would be all right by me.  

I would consider my life fulfilled the day I become even 1% of the person you were.

Thank you Mom, for being the best mother in this world. Thank you for being you.

I miss you every single day and the tears will never stop rolling away………….

STOP!!!!!

Read this beautiful piece on a website.Just wanted to share it with you all.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Is it fate or is it Destiny?

I have always been confused between the meanings of 2 simple yet complex words that we all like to use from time to time.The 2 words are Fate and Destiny.These words may sound the same but interestingly there is a subtle difference between them.

Destiny is what we are here on earth to achieve. It is the inner  thought that guides us; our aspirations; our need to “go” somewhere and make our mark on the world.If we all seriously went about fulfilling our Destiny there would be no need for Fate.The problem we are faced with, of course, is what exactly is our Destiny, and how do we go about fulfilling it? And that is where Fate has a significant part to play, for most of us have little memory of what we have committed to do, and are so caught up in the material world that we lose sight of our own unique qualities and potential.

Fate on the other hand is like our loyal friend.It calls us to attention, and just knocks us back onto the path when we stray from our true purpose. It is a friendly nudge in the right direction.Many people including myself believe that Fate is unkind. In fact it is very generous and always caters to the needs of our souls.many a times,our fate hurts us.But it is through these hardships that we learn to fight against our impossible situations and rediscover our strong inner selves.

There are many a people in this world(including ME) who are wandering aimlessly in this world.They are searching for a direction to follow and very often they look into others lives and wish that it was their own life.We all always question our destiny but we rarely listen for the answers.We can only get the answers by listening to ourselves well,by discovering our potentials,believing in our capabilities and most importantly listening to our own inner voice.

The responsibility for finding our Destiny is ours alone. It can never be given to us by anyone else for it doesn’t belong to them, it only belongs to us.Destiny is something we choose to go after…. Fate is something that happens to us, and seemingly takes away our choices, but in fact actually leads us back towards the choice of Destiny we already made before we were born.

As I sit and write this…..few things seem clear to me.But yes there are many others that don’t seem clear at all.But I am not giving up.I am learning everyday.I am learning to find my destiny.I know that its out there somewhere.And someday I will find it for sure.and that will be the day I will achieve my true Karma.

3 years have passed…..

The day July 18^th, 2008 holds many mixed emotions for me. It was the day I left my dearest family, friends, home and my country for a far away land…..a land of dreams as many had told me. I was leaving behind the only things and only people that ever mattered to me. I was leaving my comfort zone and it made me feel very dislocated and lost. I was filled with sorrow, anxiety, apprehension and also excitement as I began my journey of trying to fulfill my dreams. My dreams to achieve, to fly high, to live my life my way, to learn, to love, to turn all my hopes into reality. Many loved ones told me that the step that I was taking was very wrong. They told me that I was a fool….a fool who was trying to run after the nonexistent rainbows. But no, I had made up my mind and off I flew away not knowing that this pursuit of the rainbows would lead me nowhere. As I said my goodbyes with a lot of tears, I didn’t even imagine that I would not be able to see my loved ones for a very long time.

It’s been 3 years to that day today…..3 very long and hard years. I can say that these years have been the hardest years of my whole life. I am trying to make a new history in this place and that is helping me to feel a part of the whole. I yearn and cry for my loved ones every single moment of every single day. I cry for their touch…..I have a lot but there is a lot that is missing. I have missed so much….my niece growing up, not being with my father and brother in their tough times, not being able to witness the birth of my niece…….the moments are too many to count. I admit that I am in a much better place than I was during my first few months here. I have gained a lot. I have learnt that no one ever gets the life that they desire; I have learnt to give a 100% of myself at all times and not expect anything in return, I have learnt that the biggest strength that anyone can have is the dignity in whatever they do, I have gained friends…..but just a few…..few that I can count on my fingers…I am eternally grateful for them, I have lost some people who I thought were my friends. The emotions associated with being so far away from home are mixed. There are times when I just want to leave everything and run away. Run away to a safe place….a place where I can be happy with my loved ones. Does this kind of safe place really exist?

I sit here alone in my room with tears running down my cheeks……I am just trying to pour my heart out. I am not trying to wallow in self pity. I am just sharing my feelings with the ones who care…….Do you?

Happy Birthday Miss 7 year old :-)

Happy Birthday, Miss 7 year old!!!

It seems such a short time ago that you were a baby sitting on my lap. You’re nearly all grown up now, and I want you to know that I love you and admire the strong and beautiful young woman you’ve become. You are getting older, so fast I can hardly believe it. I am so happy that you still find wonder in the world that you are not scared to be yourself that you march to your very own beat…

You make me smile with your laughter….the way your sweet nose crinkles up, while your twinkling eyes practically squeeze shut, and your laughs come out in precious tiny gasps. You make my head spin with all the wonderful things that you know…the questions you think to ask…the answers you seek…I am knocked out a thousand times over listening to you spell all the difficult words and solve all your math sums in a jiffy.

When you start a new class in school soon, a whole new world will open up to you…there will be things you already know, but also much, much more that you don’t. Won’t it be fun to make new friends, learn something new each and every day, and discover a brand new place? I will be excited to hear about all of the fabulous fun things you do each day!

Being a 7 year old is hard, and I think it’s especially hard on sensitive souls like you. Because you’re so intelligent, people might expect you to always act more maturely than other kids your age. You’re also allowed a lot of freedom. You should be careful not to abuse that trust. Unfortunately, even the smartest of us can make stupid mistakes when we are young. Please use your head and don’t get carried away by what the in crowd is doing, and remember that if your friends are doing something that they’re not really old enough to do, you are even younger. Here are a few rules that can help you negotiate these difficult transition years, when you are a child but want to be an adult.
1. Make lots of friends and always love everyone for what they are.

2. Always listen to your elders. They always know what the best is for you.

3. Be the best daughter for your parents. They both love you a lot, in their own special ways.

4.  Sometimes schoolwork seems meaningless, but you have to stay focused on the big picture.

5. Do the home work, even if it is boring.

6. Also know that too much T.V is not good for you. You must try to read a new book every day.

7. Always keep your home clean and remember to tidy up after you are done playing.

8. Have a big heart and never forget to share with everyone. Be kind to everyone.

9. Eat well; don’t cry while eating your medicines and vitamins. Take good care of your body and become strong.

10. If you ever get sad, call me or someone else you feel comfortable talking to. The pain of sadness doesn’t last forever, and there are many people in your life who love you and want to support you.

11. Always think about what you want to do and then we’ll figure out how to get you there. It isn’t always easy to plan ahead, but you have people willing to help or just to listen.

I hope you realize, dear one, how very much you are loved…from the first moment I ever held you in my arms, my heart was swollen with love…and now these days, I am near bursting !!!

I love you, sweet girl…..more than anything else.

Love always,
Your Bui.

5 years…..

5 years have gone by……..5 years since the day she decided to leave all of us. In all these years, there has never been a day when I’ve found myself not thinking about her. Naturally I’ve missed her, but more than simply missing my mama I’ve missed the person who really helped me hold it together when times were tough and who, ultimately, held my entire family together.

It’s hard to watch someone die, even more so when it is someone you love. She was there one minute and the very next minute, in the blink of an eye….she was gone. Just like that….just gone. Vanished from all our lives forever.

She was a very loving, caring, compassionate, tough lady and knew the importance of family. Seeing her dying, I knew that not only would she soon be gone from my life, but with her all those things that made her who she was. I was there with her during her last minutes as were my father and her loving sisters, brother in laws, nieces and nephews. I feel sad that she could not see my brothers, her wonderful sons while taking her last breaths. The memory of the last smile that was on her face even as she breathed her last is etched in my deep consciousness.

It’s been difficult for me to let go. Her death plunged me deeper into my own despair, my own issues I was dealing with at the time. Mom’s death also left the family fragmented, which made me see just how she had been the glue that held our lives together.

It has been five long years of trying to move on, of learning to no longer rely on mom, but instead on what she tried to teach us growing up. We both shared a very strange bitter sweet relationship but it’s still strange that Mom is no longer there to talk to about my problems. I have to look inside now and ask myself what she would want, what she would say —what she would expect. In death, knowing she is above looking down, she may have had a stronger influence on me than she did in life. It took that and the support of loved ones to pull me out of the quicksand I got myself into after mom died, but I have persevered.

And while not all of what became broken after mom died is fixable, life has gone on and some days it seems a little easier. For many of us, parents are sometimes the only constant in our lives and when they are gone it’s like being in free-fall — sometimes we land OK, other times the parachute doesn’t open.

When mom is no longer there to be the glue, you have to make that glue from what you should have learned while she was alive. Sometimes it doesn’t stick real well, but it gets the job done.

I miss you mom. Thank you for having always been my glue. I’m sorry for the mistakes I’ve made and I hope someday I will see you again. I love you. Bye.

The black sheep.

Anahita sat on the subway train, nervously twiddling her thumbs. She looked around her and the subway was packed as usual……a regular Friday evening. She rummaged inside her big bulky hand bag…..the handbag most of her friends hated and wanted her to get rid of. But Anahita was not listening to any of that….my whole world is in the bag…she laughed to herself. She digged into her bag and got her small compact mirror out…..looked at herself in the mirror. She didn’t really like what she saw. Only if…she wondered….only if I did not have that scar from my childhood stitches right in the middle of my forehead….only if my cheeks were a bit less fuller…only if I had dimples on both cheeks instead of one. Anahita sighed…..if only!!!

Always considered the black sheep of her family…..the tomboy among all the boys….she had no comparison to her other beautiful cousins. Rashi, her cousin married to the rich Mumbai businessman…..was the lovely black haired beauty. Tara, her younger aunt’s daughter…..just twenty and was racing ahead into a successful modelling career. And what to talk about Vandana…..the jackpot queen with a happily married life and three lovely children to boast about. And here I am wondered Anahita….32 years old….unmarried….not overly attractive….A plain Jane as her friends would call her……just struggling to find a place for myself in this foreign land. A shiver ran down her spine and she just tugged her coat closer. She pulled out her lip gloss and rubbed it furiously over her thin lips in an attempt to make them look fuller. I can just try…she thought to herself. Just try to make myself look attractive to others…try to make myself more appealing.

Lost in her thoughts, Anahita was jolted from her seat when the subway came to a halt….It was the Davisville stop. That’s where Swapnali told me to get off, she thought to herself. She got off the train nervously clutching her bag…….walking briskly out of the station. She walked hurriedly towards the Starbucks at the corner, looking at her watch and cursing herself for being 10 minutes late. She entered the coffee shop, which she loved for all its warm and familiar smells and looked around nervously. And then she saw him….sitting alone at the table by the window….he seemed to be working on a crossword puzzle. So this is the Mr. Wonderful who Swapnali was raving about, she wondered. She walked towards him nervous and excited at the same time. He looked at her and got up and walked towards her. Their eyes met. He came up to her and said,”Hi, I am Ravi. Nice to meet you, Anahita. Your friend Swapnali never mentioned about how stunningly beautiful you were!!!!!!”

Reaching out….

Every minute and every day of my life… I am reaching out to you.
I feel all alone. No one is able to comprehend the love and bond of purpose we shared for each other, mom.

How far can I run? Where do I turn? I died with you, I don’t know who I am any more.

Guide me maa or just take me. :’(